don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?

Hope should die.

Why, you might ask. Hope gets you through the day, it keeps you alive and kicking and breathing, you say.
But I say hope breaks you down. It keeps you going until the very last minute, and you feel like everything should be fine. Soon.
’cause there’s still hope, right?

No.
Hope might be the last thing to go, but it will – eventually.
It sneaks away, leaves you behind, and for a moment, you’re lost. You will be shocked, at first, confused. You can’t believe that hope left you. And then you sit back and take a breath and realize… you are alone.
Awful, isn’t it?

And so I say hope must die. If there is no hope, we need not worry it will leave us. We can live our life unperturbed by the rushes of excitement that surge through us when we think of something that … gives up hope.
Because there is no hope. And everything nice that happens will come as a pleasant surprise. When you least expect it. No more searching.

So I declare, hope shall die.

As I have a thousand times before. I suck at this …

music: Skunk Anansie – Weak
Now I sit here I’m love’s last home
I’m all of the soft words I once owned.
And if I opened my heart there’d be no space for air…

a warm safe place.

Halt mich, nur ein bisschen – bis ich schlafen kann

I want to feel safe.

That’s basically what’s on my mind all day. Not necessarily consciously, but that’s the underlying thought that makes me go run and hide, that makes me go out and try to find someone, that makes me sit here and type. Just. Everything.
It’s not the need to fuck or the will to succeed or the wish to impress.

It’s just very basic and very hard to come by, apparently.

Does being safe cover feeling insecure? Or do you need to feel secure(d) for that, too?

I don’t know.

Is it the same as love or be loved?

I don’t know that either.

music: Kittie – Severed

but i do remember…

I’m not sure if I hold grudges or hold my ground.

See, with H., there’s no grudge. I know that.
There is regret that we didn’t make it. And regret that we didn’t figure it out sooner, or didn’t admit to it.
But no grudge and no anger. Maybe it would be easier if there was, but there isn’t and it’s probably for the better in the long run.
It’s a little like someone died. It’s nobody’s fault, really, but you’re still upset about being left behind.

With L., I don’t think there’s a real grudge either.
We’re not friends any longer, but he apologized and I can accept an apology.

You know how you sometimes wonder if you will really act the way you think you would?
I do at times. I was told I couldn’t have sex without being in love and I can. I thought that if I get in an accident, I would act sensibly and I did, at least once, I hope that will remain the only time. I always hoped I wouldn’t be resentful and I haven’t been.

With my mother… I don’t know. Things are different with family, I guess.
Although I counted H. as family. I guess.
Still. Different.
I couldn’t reach the therapist and I’m afraid I’m falling apart and losing my game and I’m not being as good as I can be. Maybe I should try the whole Paradox Intervention thing. Be really awful for a while. Ha ha.
I can’t reach my doctor who didn’t want to give me real anti-depressants, but St. John’s Wort. Which doesn’t help at all. Really.

you live, you learn…

I learnt so much these past few months by just thinking.

Thinking, and watching TV series and applying things to my own life. I wish, I had done this before. Learning, I mean.

So, I learnt so much, how come, things are still so hard? Life is so hard to figure out, decisions are so hard to make and even harder to carry out?’
In the TV-Series, it’s so much easier. Things look hard, but then, the right words are said and the right looks are exchanged and you know everything is gonna be okay. And even if it isn’t, there will at least be good music to go along with it and give you a good cry that you can recover from.
But amazingly enough, real life isn’t like that.

The right words and the right looks aren’t happening, and issues give you stomach cramps and tears and dark circles under your eyes and it sucks.
And with all this learning I’ve done, I still can’t write that damn letter to her.
I know what has to be said, but I’m not sure if this is the time to say it, if it is my turn to say it, if it should ever be said at all, because who knows if it does any good?

But it’s her birthday and I gotta write something, right?

They keep telling me that it gets better and that it’s not that bad and that’s good, because I don’t know, if I can take any more. And no matter what you tell me, I’m alone. I’m alone in dealing with this, there is no advice on what’s right or wrong and when I go to bed  and turn off the light – there is no one there but me.

Music: Tegan & Sara
Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go?

Fall of the Wall

Being an only child and having been mobbed and bullied as a teenager, I sometimes feel like I missed out on a whole lot of socialization. I don’t know what’s normal a lot of times so I have to gauge by the reaction of those around me. Sometimes that happens to late.

I also learned to be hard. If there are no feelings provoked, there’s no reason to provoke. I remember quite clearly the day I sat on my grandparents stairway promising myself to be hard and not weak, because if you’re weak you get hurt. Apparently, I succeeded, because people perceive me as hard and strong.

The problem is I still hurt.

music: Alanis – Can’t Not.

I’d be lying if I said I was completely unscathed…

I could probably get by my whole life only quoting Alanis for verbal communication.

I didn’t cry for almost 4 days in a row, I think.
Had some very long talks on the phone in the middle of the night, with a smoker of all men. We met on Friday and it was interesting to say the least. I kissed him goodbye in the morning but wasnt so sure what to make of it and I think we’re officially killing it just by talking.

Am I ready to date? Or just for One Night Stands? Am I ready for anything?
Just some sad music and here I go crying again.

I didn’t sleep a whole lot the last few days of the week, due to phone conversations and more. Went to record one last song with Admirabilis on Saturday. My voice sucked a lot because I was so tired, but it went okayish.

Had some stuff at my parents and my grandmother was there, so after contemplating it for quite a bit, I decided to drop by and visit and avoid talking to my mother as best as I could. I was there for barely an hour and both my parents were crying when I left. Great job.

The best part is that my mother will, of course, think that I’m again simply being stubborn and that I probably only came by to have a chance at ignoring her…

I HATE this. What does she have to lose except her pride when we go see a therapist or mediator? What kind of mother chooses her pride over talking to her child?

Too late now…

Woke up this morning around 9, then stayed in bed napping til I couldn’t lie in bed without my back hurting around noon…

I finally decided to cancel the exam on Friday, meaning that I will have to take it next semester (gah), but at least, anything I do concerning household chores and sorting papers counts as WORK again and not as procrastination. Yay.
I also pulled another muscle in my shoulder but can reach neither my doc nor my massage therapist. Life’s great, right?
Today was supposed to be the first day without crying and it started out okay. Waking up I thought it’s not all that bad, the hole wasn’t gaping that much – but then again, I thought so yesterday, too. And it didn’t quite last the day. But I haven’t taken any of the herbal tranquilizers I relied on the past days, so maybe it’s getting better.

I also cleaned up the kitchen, turned on the dish washer and will spend the rest of the day cleaning up, sorting papers and watching TV. Maybe I’ll even find my vaccination card.

I might also call that beautiful piano player I found online and would like to platonically date to make music.

Thus is my life.

Oh, also, when did I ever say I only want the house and the kids and the restrictions and no heart-pounding love?
I had that – minus the house and the kids – and I would’ve stayed if I didn’t expect more out of life.

music: Krezip – (If I could) I would stay

Was that so wrong?

I sometimes wish that I had listened more to my own morals. But it was them or us. I didn’t want my comrads to think I was against them. Was that so wrong? People here say it was completely wrong. But go over there and say it there.
- Roughly quoting a soldier on a TV-documentation about beating to death a guantanamo prisoner

Reminds you a lot of the justification the concentration camp guards used, huh?

Speaking of which, you’ve heard about Richard Williamson, formerly bishop with the Pius-fraternity, denying the Holocaust, right?

Well, German archbishop Robert Zollitsch, among others stated that there was no room for someone like him in the catholic church.
While I really do not condone what Williamson said – doesn’t it strike you that a religion that emphasizes the importance of saving sinners has no room for one?

But I don’t want to…

I’ve grown up and I’ve learnt a lot of things.

I can feed myself and find a place to live, drill holes and put up furniture.

I can study and pass and I can be social and I can be funny and I can be wise at times, at least I like to think so.

I can be independent and strong and self-sufficient.

I just don’t want to.

Tell me I’m alright…

I wish someone would tell me I’m alright.

Not perfect or anything, just… you know, that I’m doing okay, or even well. That I made right decisions, that I’m doing okay with my studies, my life, with everything.

I believe that is something that parents should do and when they don’t – where do you turn to?