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And we’re all so strong
when nothing’s wrong
and the world is at our feet
But how small we are
When our love is far
away
Six years ago yesterday was our first intentional date.
I spent the night at his.
Six years ago today we went barbecueing with all his friends and later to the movies. I think it was X-Men.
Six years ago tomorrow we were lying on the bed I still sleep in today. I remember my forrest idyllic screen saver that had water running and birds singing. I asked what we were now and from then on we were going steady.
I know I recount this every year and officially, we didn’t even make it to 5 years. But considering how much we saw each other last year, it sure as hell feels like we did. And with him gone, it’s hard to remember why I wanted to leave.
Music: Alanis – Not as we
It’s hard to describe what it’s like to be depressed.
If you haven’t read The Bell Jar by Cynthia Plath, I strongly suggest you do so. I need to re-read it myself sometime. She describes very well how you’re caught in a haze, how you try to read but the words float around you without making sense and you try to write but you’ve forgotten how to put the characters together. It’s sort of like that, sometimes.
Have you ever been stoned?
It’s also like that, sort of. Well. It’s different for everyone, I realize that.
So, for me, everything’s in slow-mo. Things pass me by very slowly, words reach me, somehow, but I need a while to put them together. I see stuff falling or lying around or being in my way and I do not care enough to actually do something about it. I’m cushioned from the world, but not in a good, relaxed sense, but rather, I can’t reach out for anything, like I’m trapped in a bubble of gel.
Amazingly enough, sometimes this bubble rips open. Like today, which made me think I might not need therapy afterall.
The morning was very slow, very out of it, but when I came home from running errands and not having a computer at work, it ripped open. A bit like when the clouds part and suddenly rays of light shine through. All of a sudden, I could move more freely, I noticed things, I felt compelled to get something done.
Maybe this is the reason why I could go to a friend’s birthday party and see him and the new girl and not immediately start crying… It’s not her, either. It’s him. It’s hard hearing him talk and knowing he will never talk to me again the way he used to. Never hold me again.
I know these are the obvious side effects of a break up, but it’s a difference whether you know something theoretically or whether you have to process it in your mind to apply it to a specific situation you’re in.
But there’s many people in favour of life-long learning. Or so I’ve heard.
Maybe tonight I can go to bed once again without crying. Am still debating whether the Eyecandy is worth a message about how much he actually sucks…?
music: Alanis – I was hoping
I was hoping we could be raw together.
…
I’m indecisive. I asked my doctor about antidepressants and he said we could try, but really, I should go and seek professional help, as in psychiatrist or psychologist. This is a sensible answer from a medical point of view, I guess, but I can just see it happen:
So, why do you think you’re here?
I just feel like shit a lot and I start crying randomly and it just doesn’t get better…
Well, why do you think this is?
I guess it’s because of the break up a year ago and that I feel completely abandoned and I feel like I don’t have a home to go to because my mother’s not talking to me and also, I have major self esteem issues, because I feel like I’m never good enough.
I see. So, do you still love your ex?
I guess not, I feel like I’m mostly over him, but I’m not over what we had.
So, what did you have?
Love, security, a home. All wrapped into one.
So, how come you miss that so much?
Because I feel like I never had that with my parents…
Your parents… I see. Do you have specific problems?
Yeah, my mom’s a self-righteous ignorant whose not talking to me because I didn’t quite turn out the way she wanted me to.
Ah. Well. How old are you?
25 going on 16.
And do you think you can get over it?
Nope.
I see.
Yeah. I also think she subconsciously affected me so that I now think that everything has to be perfect, always, and I can’t keep up with that.
So you feel like you’re not living up to her standards?
No, I’m not living up to my own.
Maybe you should lower them?
Nah, I don’t want to.
Hm.
Yeah.
See how I’m really eager to go try therapy again?
*gah*
The doc ended up prescribing me St John’s wort – and why do my neighbours always have to move furniture in the middle of the night?
music: OTEP – Ascension (Album)
Woke up this morning around 9, then stayed in bed napping til I couldn’t lie in bed without my back hurting around noon…
I finally decided to cancel the exam on Friday, meaning that I will have to take it next semester (gah), but at least, anything I do concerning household chores and sorting papers counts as WORK again and not as procrastination. Yay.
I also pulled another muscle in my shoulder but can reach neither my doc nor my massage therapist. Life’s great, right?
Today was supposed to be the first day without crying and it started out okay. Waking up I thought it’s not all that bad, the hole wasn’t gaping that much – but then again, I thought so yesterday, too. And it didn’t quite last the day. But I haven’t taken any of the herbal tranquilizers I relied on the past days, so maybe it’s getting better.
I also cleaned up the kitchen, turned on the dish washer and will spend the rest of the day cleaning up, sorting papers and watching TV. Maybe I’ll even find my vaccination card.
I might also call that beautiful piano player I found online and would like to platonically date to make music.
Thus is my life.
Oh, also, when did I ever say I only want the house and the kids and the restrictions and no heart-pounding love?
I had that – minus the house and the kids – and I would’ve stayed if I didn’t expect more out of life.
music: Krezip – (If I could) I would stay
Of all the things I’ve believed in, I just want to get it over with. Tears form behind my eyes, but I [don't want to]cry, counting the days that pass me by.
I’ve been searching deep down in my soul, words that I’m hearing are starting to get old. Feels like I’m starting all over again – the last [six] years were just pretend.I still get lost in your eyes. And it seems that I can’t live a day without you. Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away to a place where I am blinded by the light.
But it’s not right.
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. I want what’s yours and I want what’s mine. I want you. But I’m not giving in this time.Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on toAnd when the stars fall I will lie awake
You’re my shooting star…
You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I’ll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you’ll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I’ll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I’ll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is.
~ Alanis
Lost in time I cant count the words
I said when I thought they went unheard
All of those harsh thoughts so unkind
cos I wanted youAnd now I sit here Im all alone
So here sits a bloody mess, tears fly home
A circle of angels, deep in war
‘cos I wanted youSo what am I now? I’m love’s last home
I’m all of the soft words I once owned
If I opened my he heart, there’d be no space for air
‘cos I wanted you
I don’t even know if I can impose myself on someone on a date. I mean, you gotta pity the guy, right?
In this tainted soul
In this weak young heart
Am I too much for youmusic: K’s Coice – Weak (Skunk Anansie Cover)
seriously.
Break-up during finals/paper-writing-time at the end of the 5th semester.
2 moves within the 6th semester/thesis writing.
“Mom-break-up” before the oral exam couple weeks ago and last weekend – let’s not get into that. Didn’t really study for today…
I have another written exam next week. Let’s see what will come up.
Oh, and the vacation to the northsea is called off, too :-/
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