i’m annoyed

so annoyed with everything. With emotions. With hope, yet again. With boys. It’s come down to being into boys, not men anymore…

But the boys don’t even want me. So who cares?

I’m also annoyed with uni, with planning for the wedding, with trying to lose weight, with work, my sucial life, my financial situation and everything else, basically. gah.

And especially with a certain someone. gah. gah. gah.

don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got til it’s gone?

Hope should die.

Why, you might ask. Hope gets you through the day, it keeps you alive and kicking and breathing, you say.
But I say hope breaks you down. It keeps you going until the very last minute, and you feel like everything should be fine. Soon.
’cause there’s still hope, right?

No.
Hope might be the last thing to go, but it will – eventually.
It sneaks away, leaves you behind, and for a moment, you’re lost. You will be shocked, at first, confused. You can’t believe that hope left you. And then you sit back and take a breath and realize… you are alone.
Awful, isn’t it?

And so I say hope must die. If there is no hope, we need not worry it will leave us. We can live our life unperturbed by the rushes of excitement that surge through us when we think of something that … gives up hope.
Because there is no hope. And everything nice that happens will come as a pleasant surprise. When you least expect it. No more searching.

So I declare, hope shall die.

As I have a thousand times before. I suck at this …

music: Skunk Anansie – Weak
Now I sit here I’m love’s last home
I’m all of the soft words I once owned.
And if I opened my heart there’d be no space for air…

fuck my life… a lot…

The arbitrary crying’s back. Yay.

My life’s just so drained of every meaning. Drained or void? I used to think there was something to it, I just had to pull myself together a little more. So maybe it’s drained? But now I feel like I can never make it, like there are just too many obstacles in my way to taking control, making things happen (whatever things are), so maybe it was void from the beginning?

These are the times I wish I could still believe.

I just feel like I will never really succeed in my studies, never do anything exciting, there’s no music happening, no love, no encounters, no being found. Nothing.

Just buddies becoming infatuated with me, piano players behaving like fickle little bitches and the one guy I allow myself to find interesting (or distract myself? Possibly the latter…) turns out to be a disgusting, lying whore.

Such is my life. I’m even contemplating calling a therapist next week.
I’m sick again, too.

it’s been a while but I can still remember just the way you taste

Weird.

IK was fun, yes, but at times I felt so out of place. Last year was SO incredible that I didn’t even expect it to turn out that great (and it didn’t), but hey. It was still fun.

But still, the gun was back at times. I felt like I should be home, curling up in my bed. I’m missing something. Or someone? I don’t know.
One night I lay in bed an realized that there’s no one out there who really loves me. No, that’s unfair. My dad loves me, he even proposed to come visit me more often so we can built a better relationship. That’s something, I do realize that.

However, the voice in my head kept chanting “nobody loves you” and I almost started crying in a triple bedroom.

Also, guys suck. Maybe I’m too hasty, or maybe I am too weird?

My ex told me, a long while ago, in a bus in Münster that he was a jealous person, but with me he wasn’t as jealous because he knew that I would never find anyone who could deal with me the way he could. That sort of stuck with me. It still sticks.

Stupid gun, I don’t like it pointing at me. Stupid voices, I don’t like what they say.
Do I cross the line to insanity when I tell them to shut up?
I did already, anyway.

I’ll post a more balanced account of the IK, I promise. And the gory details, too

music: Staind – Warm Safe Place

damn the drama…

seriously.

Break-up during finals/paper-writing-time at the end of the 5th semester.

2 moves within the 6th semester/thesis writing.

“Mom-break-up”  before the oral exam couple weeks ago and last weekend – let’s not get into that. Didn’t really study for today…

I have another written exam next week. Let’s see what will come up.

Oh, and the vacation to the northsea is called off, too :-/

These versions of violence…

I thought I could wean myself off of you.

Slowly, like we did the past few weeks. I though we were on a good way.
That way, I thought we could do it, I could deal. I thought it’s great that I have a car because I can see you more easily now. Stupid, I know.

And, of course things never work out the way we think they do and I find that I don’t know how to deal. Maybe I’m bi-polar, because one minute I croon over some random guy and the next I break into violent sobs wishing you would come up those stairs and I’d greet you with our secret little gesture and you’d kiss me and love me and hold me through the night like you used to.

But it’s over and my head knows that, but my heart and hands won’t accept that they’ll never feel you again.

It hurts so fucking much.
And I’m really scared that the hurt won’t be followed by something good, but by black emptiness.

music:
Baby, baby
When we first met I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn’t know how to follow
It’s like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart’s dead
I feel so empty and hollow

And I’ll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you

The only problem is that you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know that it’s not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you

~ rihanna

And Alanis. Always Alanis.

New Year’s Resolution I: Lay off the good deeds for a while…

Seriously, everytime I try to help people at concerts, I get crap for it…

I was at The Kilians concert in Münster with my ex room-mate. It was her birthday and she bought us the tickets so we’d celebrate there with her. I should’ve stayed home, tonsilitis and all, but I went for her sake. The first few songs everything’s peachy, we’re standing in the crowd having a good time and then this hella bouncy couple goes bezerk in front of me and I warn them that I have a glass of coke on me. They shrug and – go, figure – bounce harder and, of course, spill my coke. Next thing I know the guy goes insanely overprotective, yells at me for spilling coke on his girl friend (wtf?), grabs the glass from me and dumps it over my head.
Uhm. yeah…

I asked him to step outside with me to see the securities, but he refused, instead cursing at me and calling me names, so I went to the security by myself. They only warned him though.

Reminded me of the one time, at a ska concert, when some guy’s glasses fell down (who goes pogo dancing with glasses??) and I tried to prevent people from stepping on them.
Of course, somebody did, anyway, and since I was nearest, the guy decided it was my fault and I purposely stepped on the glasses. He threatened to stab me outside the club.

So. No more good deeds. No more warning people or protecting their stuff or protecting people.

Well, maybe protecting people.

I hope the whole concert and dancing thing doesn’t leave me sicker thanbefore, so I’m off to bed now =)
Oh, the concert was nice, by the way. A little short and I missed about one third of it for obvious reasons, but still nice. Very The Strokes.

Does contentedness come before happiness?

I need a time-turner…
You know, the thing Hermione used to get through a busy school year? Gimme, gimme, I say.

Kinda didn’t get a whole lot done for my thesis today which sucks because I wanted to have the theory-part done by tomorrow evening.

I slept in wayyy too long this morning, then had a … date.

Bustled through some corrections in my draft and then had a meeting with another student rep to figure out details on the introduction week for this year’s freshmen. 256 newbies and we’re… TWO to organize.
Plus I don’t really have the time AT ALL. Wonder why we’re 16 elected reps and 5 trainees.

Came home, showered, did laundry, took out trash, cleaned up room a bit.

Now I’m sitting here and it’s almost 1am, I’m kin of awake and kind of really out of it, so I think I’ll just do some reading on Hofstede’s cultural dimensions to employ in tomorrow’s writing ventures.
yay.

Thought of the day:
Does contentedness come before happiness?
Do you have to be content before you can be happy? Or does it work the other way around, you feel good, you’re happy and then you realize that you’re actually quite content?
Answer in the comments, please!

music: Faith no More – I started a joke

brick walls are there for you to show how badly you want it.

Randy Pausch gave an inspiring “last lecture“.
Very funny, too.
I’m not putting it in here, because it’s over an hour long, but VERY worth watching!

This was, when doctors gave him 5 to 6 more months.
Eight months later, he … well, watch til the end:
So. No whining, just work harder?

Okay, so I’m not gonna whine about separation, moving, moving again, almost failing courses and then being too fucking stupid to include one of THE most basic questions of socio-demographic data AND for my survey.

I’ll just… Well. That’s the thing. I don’t know what to do now.

you know what I’m sick of?

“… oh, i’m so different, because…”

I’m not a typical girl, because I can drive / like to build cars / drink beer / …

I’m not a typical man because I like the gilmore girls / I like to talk / don’t watch porn.

Or, worse yet “I think I should rather be the other gender”

Jeez, just have whatever genitals you have and act the way you fucking want to. Thank you.

My cousin was brought to the hospital by his friends and has been unconscious/comatose ever since. We don’t really have a relationship as I very rarely see him or hear from him, but still. Some in the family suspect drugs. I have my theories, but will keep them to myself – at least until I know more.