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You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I’ll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you’ll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I’ll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I’ll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)
You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return
This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is.
~ Alanis
I thought I could wean myself off of you.
Slowly, like we did the past few weeks. I though we were on a good way.
That way, I thought we could do it, I could deal. I thought it’s great that I have a car because I can see you more easily now. Stupid, I know.
And, of course things never work out the way we think they do and I find that I don’t know how to deal. Maybe I’m bi-polar, because one minute I croon over some random guy and the next I break into violent sobs wishing you would come up those stairs and I’d greet you with our secret little gesture and you’d kiss me and love me and hold me through the night like you used to.
But it’s over and my head knows that, but my heart and hands won’t accept that they’ll never feel you again.
It hurts so fucking much.
And I’m really scared that the hurt won’t be followed by something good, but by black emptiness.
music:
Baby, baby
When we first met I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn’t know how to follow
It’s like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart’s dead
I feel so empty and hollowAnd I’ll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to youThe only problem is that you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know that it’s not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you~ rihanna
And Alanis. Always Alanis.
We learned so much.
I realize we won’t be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you.
The long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives.
I will always have your back and be curious about you, about your career, your whereabouts.
~ Alanis – “unsent”
It’s over, right?
Trying out a new recipe today/tomorrow, am curious if it will turn out as well as they promise.
Randy Pausch gave an inspiring “last lecture“.
Very funny, too.
I’m not putting it in here, because it’s over an hour long, but VERY worth watching!
This was, when doctors gave him 5 to 6 more months.
Eight months later, he … well, watch til the end:
So. No whining, just work harder?
Okay, so I’m not gonna whine about separation, moving, moving again, almost failing courses and then being too fucking stupid to include one of THE most basic questions of socio-demographic data AND for my survey.
I’ll just… Well. That’s the thing. I don’t know what to do now.
Ein Schild beim Frisör:
Sonderangebot für Stammkunden
Wir schneiden dein Pony
*lol*
Das Zebra meinte, man sollte mal mit nem toten Pony hin und fragen, ob sie es in Streifen schneiden. Problem: Woher nehmen wir das Pony?
Just when I had another moment of self-hatred coming up, because I talk too much, think too much, want too much, never seem to fit in, I came across a fitting quote on my new favourite band’s website:
“I must learn to love the fool in me – the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laught and cries.
It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.” – Theodore Isaac Rubin
Just a little stressed, just a little pissed.
Because I don’t know whatever the hell happened to my relaxed semester. I was really planning on taking it easy study-wise which is the only reason I finally got involved into student body-work (Fachschaft) at all.
And there’s the band, always the band, and some sort of social life and work. Too much work right now, really and it also forces me to get an insurance for myself, it seems, which really sucks and I might actually have to pay income taxes. *gah*
Besides, I am participating in a 3-day-class on Organisational Psychology which is a lot like having a substitute teacher in 9th grade (including long breaks, games to get to know each other and immature baggy-pants-guys), except that the class lasts from 9-5 for three days in a row and is exhausting like that.
And then I find out that the sucky paper I had to write last semester was really pretty sucky.
I mean, the grade itself is not all that bad (a good B), but I had a partner and it felt as if I had to write it by myself with the additional proof-reading and re-writing of her parts and now she got a better grade.
Granted, it’s because of the disjunct presentations we had to give in class, but… still… no fair.
Which teaches me once again that team work – just doesn’t work.
If you’re lucky you get an intelligent, commited partner, as I did with the presentation, and she thinks likewise about you, but then it turns out that the two of you just cannot communicate even in clear, simple sentences because you think in completely different patterns or synapses or whatever.
Or you get someone who doesn’t give a shit about things and is dumb as well. Or you work with someone commited who just can’t write and doesn’t seem to understand templates or instructions of orthography… which is, in truth, just as bad, you just can’t get as mad at her as with the above.
*gah*
And it’s 6.30pm now and I have another appointment in half an hour and band-stuff sucks, too, right now.
I want a nice hot bubbly bath and a masseuse and a villa with a cook.
And a piano-player.
And a healthy grandfather.
Und auch direkt ma die erste Veranstaltung in Eignungsdiagnostik…
Guck mal, ich hab ein ♥ auf meine Notizen gemalt, dann kann ich mich beim Lernen immer freuen!
Was lernt uns das? Frauen studieren nicht. Frauen malen aus und unterstreichen bunt!
(Finde die Widersprüche:)
Jeder kennt Menschen, die mit ihm in diesem Land wohnen, die ihm fremd sind. Bei mir sind das zum Beispiel die Bayern… oder die Österreicher.
[später] Deutschland hatte ja auch einen sehr charismatischen Führer…! Gerhard Schröder.
Jeder hat da einen Trick um sich zu beruhigen. Da kommen sie dann alle mit ihren Fetischen oder Kuscheltieren – und das ist auch alles Auto-Suggestion!
Der Montag-Nachmittag verspricht ein gewisses Unterhaltungspotential.
“This is love, she thought, isn’t it?
When you notice someone’s absence and hate that absence more than anything? More, even, than you love his presence?
The frame of the window was the walls of the prison that set her free. She loved what it felt like to wait for [him], to be entirely dependent on him for her happiness, to be, as ridiculous as she had always thought it sounded, someone’s wife. She loved her new vocabulary of simply loving something more than she loved her love for that thing, and the vulnerability that went along with living in the primary word. Finally, she thought, finally.”
quoted from Jonathan Safran Foer – Everything is illuminated
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