I’d be lying if I said I was completely unscathed…

I could probably get by my whole life only quoting Alanis for verbal communication.

I didn’t cry for almost 4 days in a row, I think.
Had some very long talks on the phone in the middle of the night, with a smoker of all men. We met on Friday and it was interesting to say the least. I kissed him goodbye in the morning but wasnt so sure what to make of it and I think we’re officially killing it just by talking.

Am I ready to date? Or just for One Night Stands? Am I ready for anything?
Just some sad music and here I go crying again.

I didn’t sleep a whole lot the last few days of the week, due to phone conversations and more. Went to record one last song with Admirabilis on Saturday. My voice sucked a lot because I was so tired, but it went okayish.

Had some stuff at my parents and my grandmother was there, so after contemplating it for quite a bit, I decided to drop by and visit and avoid talking to my mother as best as I could. I was there for barely an hour and both my parents were crying when I left. Great job.

The best part is that my mother will, of course, think that I’m again simply being stubborn and that I probably only came by to have a chance at ignoring her…

I HATE this. What does she have to lose except her pride when we go see a therapist or mediator? What kind of mother chooses her pride over talking to her child?

adding up…

I’ll be posting back-dated entries because I couldn’t wrap my head around it lately. Still can’t.

Will be meeting a piano-player tomorrow. Got my hopes up…

screaming no no no no no

Fear of loss?

Fear of losing?

Fear of never having?

I guess, I can put away my swimsuit and cancel the Relaxation Weekend that’s been planned for weeks now. Could’ve saved me a whole lot of stress yesterday and today and earned an extra 30€ on top of it. But hey, maybe I’ll get something done for a change. Yeah, right.

Never rely on others. But we don’t learn. Us humans, we always want company, we even stay in absurd relationships, just so we aren’t alone.

We’re so selfish, and then we always want to be different, too, be present, be known, be special, be mysterious, be loved.

If you love life, does life love you back?
No.
Life plain and simply sucks, we just occasionally forget about it.

music:
30 seconds to mars – beautiful lie
Kanye West – Love Lockdown
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I’m in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So ya never know, never never know
Never know enough, ’til its over love
’til we lose control, system overload
Screamin’ no no no no no
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but can’t escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else dont have to know

I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I cant keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin’ to lose, so I gotta move
I can’t keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did it take ‘for I finally got through
you lose, you lose
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin’ time, you can’t wait for life
which is wastin’ time, where’s the finish line

I’m not lovin you, the way i wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
know I said I’m through, but got love for you
But I’m not lovin you, way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin, keep the lovin goin
Keep it on a roll, only god knows
If I be with you, baby, I’m confused
You choose, you choose
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I dont need you
I’ve been down this road, too many times before
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
I keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
I keep ya love locked down, you lose

I don’t have a band anymore.

… it’s a beautiful lie …

i’m exhausted.

Even my mom noticed I was pale. Not getting a whole lot of healthy sleep these days. And after I thought yesterday that my cold was finally gone – almost – I’m sneezing again. dammit.

So, that kinda cancelled my plans for the evening, which is good, I suppose, because I should be doing a night shift tonight, having been lazy all day… *sighs*

I did record a version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, if you consider that “getting something done”.

why’d you say hallelujah, if it means nothing to ya?

I realized something today:

Someday I’m gonna kill myself.

I’m pretty certain of it. It’s nothing of the near future, nothing to worry about. I’m gonna finish my studies and continue with the music and then, someday, I’m gonna find that life just doesn’t get better.
That’s the shocking thing about it.
I’m not even… depressed and I still have these thoughts. Is that cynicism?

It’s just that… I have a band, I do my own music, I take pictures, finally study and kinda know what I wanna do afterwards, I have a man who loves me and I’m pretty sure our kids would turn out cute.

It’s just not fulfilling. There’s still this big old hole in my… I don’t know. soul? Cheesy as that sounds.
And I’m not living the music. I haven’t been on stage for more than a year now. I don’t get lost in the music, I don’t lie on stage exhausted from putting myself out there. There’s no feeling to get lost in. And it’s scaring the hell out of me.

Ah well…

.

So, would you let me play in your living room?’
If I found a piano player to work on my songs with me and play with me, would you book me, for a birthday or some other sort of party? Comment on that

.

Oh, and I’ma buy this baby here, I think: [click]

Other than that, it’s cold as shit here, sometimes rainy, the forecast spoke about icy rains. yay.

still…

PS: Cheers! to you, Darling

Better late than never at all, I discovered Damien Rice.

Which only re-established my desire to do some solo-music. If you play the piano and are interested in a female vocalist, apply within. The plan is to play in various living rooms until our big break-through, 6 grammies and 9 millions and such.

music: Damien Rice – Volcano

Sometimes I’m dangerous.

More on Berlin + Pictures later.

I want to invite this so called chaos that you’d think I dare not be

*gah*

Life’s insane right now. Have to decide between a few jobs, work on photos for our cover,we’re under terrible time pressure and there’s not much I can do. I’m done with my vocals and I can’t do (musical) studio-stuff so… sitting, waiting, wishing…

I’m looking forward to the next semester though, lots of work = lots of money, plus only a few hours of class a week and my BA-thesis to think about. yay

I just hope we get that CD out here……..

music: Alanis – So-Called Chaos

Deadlines meetings and contracts all breached
D-days and structure responsibility
Have-to’s and need-to’s and get-to’s by three
Eleventh hours and upset employees

I want to be naked running through the streets
I want to invite this so called chaos that you’d think I dare not be
I want to be weightless flying through the air
I want to drop all these limitations and return to who I was meant to be

my “studio”

If you’ve ever wondered why my soundfiles are of such a bad quality – here’s how I record them…:

it’s amazing

what you can get done on a day supposedly spent studying…

[click] 

New Music