People say I’m strange and the World echoes in my head

Sometimes I feel they should arrange marriages again
So I would be content with a man who respects me
He’ll treat me kind and I’d care for the kids and read about love in paperback books
But maybe then I’d take opium drugs
and grow old and bitter and cold.

And sometimes I feel I should be addicted
and anorexic and cut my arms bleeding
So that they can see and might understand how dark I am inside
how the world screams and thunders in my head
when I lie awake at night

And I want to run out in the cold winter night
and drop to my knees in the snow
And I’d scream and I’d rage and no one would hear me
’til I’m weary and my face stings with tears.
And I’d close my eyes so the next day they’ll find
That I died on the lawn from the cold

Sometimes I feel like cutting my wrists
and bleeding to death
in a hot bubble-bath
and I would die smiling
Cause I know I’ll be cried for

So, you see this is a happy Song.
So you see how lucky I am.

Found this in a way old journal from January 2003. I feel older now, yet about the same as I did then. Is that sad?
I realize I have the tendency to keep believing that I can impress people with how bad I feel and make them take care of me that way. Even when they don’t care and don’t wanna see and even when being weak is very unattractive and even though feeling weak sends me down a spiral of self-loathing.

I’m torn between the weak person I think I am and the strong person that people still see on the outside and that I wish I was.
I want safety and adventure at the same time, but I don’t know how to make it work.

music: Kim Ferron – Nothing but You.

screaming no no no no no

Fear of loss?

Fear of losing?

Fear of never having?

I guess, I can put away my swimsuit and cancel the Relaxation Weekend that’s been planned for weeks now. Could’ve saved me a whole lot of stress yesterday and today and earned an extra 30€ on top of it. But hey, maybe I’ll get something done for a change. Yeah, right.

Never rely on others. But we don’t learn. Us humans, we always want company, we even stay in absurd relationships, just so we aren’t alone.

We’re so selfish, and then we always want to be different, too, be present, be known, be special, be mysterious, be loved.

If you love life, does life love you back?
No.
Life plain and simply sucks, we just occasionally forget about it.

music:
30 seconds to mars – beautiful lie
Kanye West – Love Lockdown
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
What I had to do, had to run from you
I’m in love with you, but the vibe is wrong
And that haunted me, all the way home
So ya never know, never never know
Never know enough, ’til its over love
’til we lose control, system overload
Screamin’ no no no no no
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I wanna move, but can’t escape from you
So I keep it low, keep a secret code
So everybody else dont have to know

I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
I cant keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin’ to lose, so I gotta move
I can’t keep myself, and still keep you too
So I keep in mind, when I’m on my own
Somewhere far from home, in the danger zone
How many times did it take ‘for I finally got through
you lose, you lose
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
See I had to go, see I had to move
No more wastin’ time, you can’t wait for life
which is wastin’ time, where’s the finish line

I’m not lovin you, the way i wanted to
I met no one new, I got no one new
know I said I’m through, but got love for you
But I’m not lovin you, way I wanted to
Gotta keep it goin, keep the lovin goin
Keep it on a roll, only god knows
If I be with you, baby, I’m confused
You choose, you choose
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to
Where I wanna go, I dont need you
I’ve been down this road, too many times before
I’m not lovin you, the way I wanted to

So keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
Keepin ya love locked down, ya love locked down
I keep ya love locked down, ya love locked down
I keep ya love locked down, you lose

I don’t have a band anymore.

so, why do you want to kill yourself?

that’s not it…

That’s far too much effort. I’m just not so keen on the whole life-thing right now…
Hibernation or stasis would do nicely, too.

But, alas, the thesis needs to be written, so off I go *skip*

sidenote: I dreamt of people from school who used to be so cool and we were near a building with dinosaurs in it. Evil, man-eating dinosaurs, too. And they skidded down the roof, drunk. And revealed how they could party so much – they carried 4 bottles of coke with them, each. I told them I had to pee too much from it. lol.
Later I couldn’t walk but still had to get up into the building, dinosaurs gone, apparently, all the while having to hold a little rabbit close and safe. weird.

if you’re coming down to rescue me, now’d be perfect..

Lately, I really wish there was someone in my life to tell me that everything will be okay.

Someone I can believe in, too.

Like some people have with their parents or their partner.

music: K’s Choice – Shadowman

Oh, and I really have to stop obsessing about the whole friendship-going-down-the-drain thing.
In London I dreamt that L. was Damien Rice which is really really sick.
Problem is, last time I felt thoroughly betrayed by what I believed to be a friend was about 5 years ago and I’m still stalking her nude photos online…

status quo…

My life is kind of passing me by right now.

Aside from the aftermath of the separation and my sloppy roomie, it’s actually pretty good.
It’s a lot of work, studying (or finishing up), working a bit and such. But it’s okay. I can manage. I have friends and good acquaintances and nice people at work and it’s okay.

The thing is that I can’t really accept that I am alone now.
That the whole plan of marrying at 25, kids at 28 will not work out.
That nobody’s in the kitchen cooking for me when I come home and we can have a nice evening together.
And it gets to me so badly that I could cry. A lot.

Another bummer was that my plans for the weekend got busted yesterday – by the plan for the weekend. And it doesn’t only bother me in the imminent way, it’s also that… I have to go back further:
It’s one thing to read that you’re not alone with your desires, that you’re not perverted but merely somewhat deviant from the norm, that there’s more people like you.

And it’s a whole other matter to find an actual person that fits your desires – so perfectly that it’s almost like a revelation, even if it was only in that aspect of life and held no promises for the future.

It still sucks to lose something so precious, so quickly after its discovery.
And I think what bothers me most is that I might never ever find someone who fits enough aspects of my deviant self for me to be happy with for the rest of my life.
And vice versa.

the more i cry the more i cry
as i say goodbye to the way of life
i thought i had designed for me
and i see you standing there
wanting more from me
but all i can do is try
~ nelly furtado

music was my first love

blah blah.

New love: Pretty Balanced. Thanks, raven.
-> website
-> myspace

There’s so much to do, so much I want to do, but I lack time.
Or passion?

Who is there to say? I wish I was a trustfund-kid with no need for education because the interest lasts me my whole life and I could just do whatever pleases me.

Make music, music, music.
Write. Take Pictures. Party.
Live.

and when I’m all grown up…

… i want to work right here !

singing christmas songs kills kids in the 3rd world

when it’s not Christmas. Or so my grandmother told me when I was little. If that’s the case I’m afraid I killed a whole village’s offspring as I tried to record the long promised and even longer put off Christmas cassette for my grandparents. At 31°C it failed because of my voice.

It’s really hot and just when we want to get away to the North Sea on Tuesday it’s supposed to cool off and the forecast said something about Thunderstorms. Figures…

And I dream in sequels. Must be the current movie trend… A few days ago I dreamt for the thrid time that Eminem was joining the Foreign Legion and was leaving his daughter with me. This time, someone tried to kill her and there was blood everywhere. But hey, we survived…