You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'depression' category.
I took pills and now I’m all peachy…
No, seriously. I was so ambivalent about taking them again, even lying around here already…
So I took one on Thursday, felt giddy all day and was just glad that I had herbal downers. Then I didn’t take one in Friday which made me feel not better but gave me a serious headache with nausea to go along. I started again on Saturday and I think I’m okay now on 10mg, so I might try the 20mg tomorrow or Friday… Just hope it helps… *sighs*
One of us, at least, has to be happy, so the break up was worth something. I mean, we probably could have been semi-happy for a long time, so something better has to come.
The doctor actually put me on prescription meds again. I asked him to and then I couldn’t bring myself to take it.
Finally, on Thursday, I took 10mg and it felt so weird. I was so awake, but couldn’t concentrate, I was so giddyand irritated… So I didn’t take it on Friday and I had a weird headache all day long. A friend of mine celebrated his birthday with a barbecue and I made strawberry cake (which I should do more often), and we had caipirinhas later, and I couldn’t even drink. A friend took me home early and I slumped right into bed. So, here I am, no pill today, either, no concentration, no giddiness, just plan slacking around.
I promise I’ll start the meds tomorrow…
I need to get better.
I feel like I frequently need to remind myself, that I’m still here. It feels as if I was in a little shell, buried deep within my body, which makes it hard, on the one hand to get through, to get my body to do the things I want and to connect with the part of my brain that actually thinks. I just exist and it takes tremendous effort to consciously do the things I’m supposed to, like call people, do my assignments, clean up the kitchen.
A while ago, I was saying something in class, but my voice sounded so distant and alien that I almost asked wether my voice sounded funny. The outer part of me just kept talking, though, leaving the inside wondering.
I was prescribed anti-depressants again, the St. John’s Wort didn’t do a thing. I’m still not sure wether I should take them, though.
Indecisiveness, by the way, is a common symptom of depressions…
music: Placebo – Meds
I’m not sure if I hold grudges or hold my ground.
See, with H., there’s no grudge. I know that.
There is regret that we didn’t make it. And regret that we didn’t figure it out sooner, or didn’t admit to it.
But no grudge and no anger. Maybe it would be easier if there was, but there isn’t and it’s probably for the better in the long run.
It’s a little like someone died. It’s nobody’s fault, really, but you’re still upset about being left behind.
With L., I don’t think there’s a real grudge either.
We’re not friends any longer, but he apologized and I can accept an apology.
You know how you sometimes wonder if you will really act the way you think you would?
I do at times. I was told I couldn’t have sex without being in love and I can. I thought that if I get in an accident, I would act sensibly and I did, at least once, I hope that will remain the only time. I always hoped I wouldn’t be resentful and I haven’t been.
With my mother… I don’t know. Things are different with family, I guess.
Although I counted H. as family. I guess.
Still. Different.
I couldn’t reach the therapist and I’m afraid I’m falling apart and losing my game and I’m not being as good as I can be. Maybe I should try the whole Paradox Intervention thing. Be really awful for a while. Ha ha.
I can’t reach my doctor who didn’t want to give me real anti-depressants, but St. John’s Wort. Which doesn’t help at all. Really.
I learnt so much these past few months by just thinking.
Thinking, and watching TV series and applying things to my own life. I wish, I had done this before. Learning, I mean.
So, I learnt so much, how come, things are still so hard? Life is so hard to figure out, decisions are so hard to make and even harder to carry out?’
In the TV-Series, it’s so much easier. Things look hard, but then, the right words are said and the right looks are exchanged and you know everything is gonna be okay. And even if it isn’t, there will at least be good music to go along with it and give you a good cry that you can recover from.
But amazingly enough, real life isn’t like that.
The right words and the right looks aren’t happening, and issues give you stomach cramps and tears and dark circles under your eyes and it sucks.
And with all this learning I’ve done, I still can’t write that damn letter to her.
I know what has to be said, but I’m not sure if this is the time to say it, if it is my turn to say it, if it should ever be said at all, because who knows if it does any good?
But it’s her birthday and I gotta write something, right?
They keep telling me that it gets better and that it’s not that bad and that’s good, because I don’t know, if I can take any more. And no matter what you tell me, I’m alone. I’m alone in dealing with this, there is no advice on what’s right or wrong and when I go to bed and turn off the light – there is no one there but me.
Music: Tegan & Sara
Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
And how do you know, when to let go
Where does the good go, where does the good go?
It’s hard to describe what it’s like to be depressed.
If you haven’t read The Bell Jar by Cynthia Plath, I strongly suggest you do so. I need to re-read it myself sometime. She describes very well how you’re caught in a haze, how you try to read but the words float around you without making sense and you try to write but you’ve forgotten how to put the characters together. It’s sort of like that, sometimes.
Have you ever been stoned?
It’s also like that, sort of. Well. It’s different for everyone, I realize that.
So, for me, everything’s in slow-mo. Things pass me by very slowly, words reach me, somehow, but I need a while to put them together. I see stuff falling or lying around or being in my way and I do not care enough to actually do something about it. I’m cushioned from the world, but not in a good, relaxed sense, but rather, I can’t reach out for anything, like I’m trapped in a bubble of gel.
Amazingly enough, sometimes this bubble rips open. Like today, which made me think I might not need therapy afterall.
The morning was very slow, very out of it, but when I came home from running errands and not having a computer at work, it ripped open. A bit like when the clouds part and suddenly rays of light shine through. All of a sudden, I could move more freely, I noticed things, I felt compelled to get something done.
Maybe this is the reason why I could go to a friend’s birthday party and see him and the new girl and not immediately start crying… It’s not her, either. It’s him. It’s hard hearing him talk and knowing he will never talk to me again the way he used to. Never hold me again.
I know these are the obvious side effects of a break up, but it’s a difference whether you know something theoretically or whether you have to process it in your mind to apply it to a specific situation you’re in.
But there’s many people in favour of life-long learning. Or so I’ve heard.
Maybe tonight I can go to bed once again without crying. Am still debating whether the Eyecandy is worth a message about how much he actually sucks…?
music: Alanis – I was hoping
I was hoping we could be raw together.
The arbitrary crying’s back. Yay.
My life’s just so drained of every meaning. Drained or void? I used to think there was something to it, I just had to pull myself together a little more. So maybe it’s drained? But now I feel like I can never make it, like there are just too many obstacles in my way to taking control, making things happen (whatever things are), so maybe it was void from the beginning?
These are the times I wish I could still believe.
I just feel like I will never really succeed in my studies, never do anything exciting, there’s no music happening, no love, no encounters, no being found. Nothing.
Just buddies becoming infatuated with me, piano players behaving like fickle little bitches and the one guy I allow myself to find interesting (or distract myself? Possibly the latter…) turns out to be a disgusting, lying whore.
Such is my life. I’m even contemplating calling a therapist next week.
I’m sick again, too.
…
I’m indecisive. I asked my doctor about antidepressants and he said we could try, but really, I should go and seek professional help, as in psychiatrist or psychologist. This is a sensible answer from a medical point of view, I guess, but I can just see it happen:
So, why do you think you’re here?
I just feel like shit a lot and I start crying randomly and it just doesn’t get better…
Well, why do you think this is?
I guess it’s because of the break up a year ago and that I feel completely abandoned and I feel like I don’t have a home to go to because my mother’s not talking to me and also, I have major self esteem issues, because I feel like I’m never good enough.
I see. So, do you still love your ex?
I guess not, I feel like I’m mostly over him, but I’m not over what we had.
So, what did you have?
Love, security, a home. All wrapped into one.
So, how come you miss that so much?
Because I feel like I never had that with my parents…
Your parents… I see. Do you have specific problems?
Yeah, my mom’s a self-righteous ignorant whose not talking to me because I didn’t quite turn out the way she wanted me to.
Ah. Well. How old are you?
25 going on 16.
And do you think you can get over it?
Nope.
I see.
Yeah. I also think she subconsciously affected me so that I now think that everything has to be perfect, always, and I can’t keep up with that.
So you feel like you’re not living up to her standards?
No, I’m not living up to my own.
Maybe you should lower them?
Nah, I don’t want to.
Hm.
Yeah.
See how I’m really eager to go try therapy again?
*gah*
The doc ended up prescribing me St John’s wort – and why do my neighbours always have to move furniture in the middle of the night?
music: OTEP – Ascension (Album)
Weird.
IK was fun, yes, but at times I felt so out of place. Last year was SO incredible that I didn’t even expect it to turn out that great (and it didn’t), but hey. It was still fun.
But still, the gun was back at times. I felt like I should be home, curling up in my bed. I’m missing something. Or someone? I don’t know.
One night I lay in bed an realized that there’s no one out there who really loves me. No, that’s unfair. My dad loves me, he even proposed to come visit me more often so we can built a better relationship. That’s something, I do realize that.
However, the voice in my head kept chanting “nobody loves you” and I almost started crying in a triple bedroom.
Also, guys suck. Maybe I’m too hasty, or maybe I am too weird?
My ex told me, a long while ago, in a bus in Münster that he was a jealous person, but with me he wasn’t as jealous because he knew that I would never find anyone who could deal with me the way he could. That sort of stuck with me. It still sticks.
Stupid gun, I don’t like it pointing at me. Stupid voices, I don’t like what they say.
Do I cross the line to insanity when I tell them to shut up?
I did already, anyway.
I’ll post a more balanced account of the IK, I promise. And the gory details, too 
music: Staind – Warm Safe Place
I thought I could wean myself off of you.
Slowly, like we did the past few weeks. I though we were on a good way.
That way, I thought we could do it, I could deal. I thought it’s great that I have a car because I can see you more easily now. Stupid, I know.
And, of course things never work out the way we think they do and I find that I don’t know how to deal. Maybe I’m bi-polar, because one minute I croon over some random guy and the next I break into violent sobs wishing you would come up those stairs and I’d greet you with our secret little gesture and you’d kiss me and love me and hold me through the night like you used to.
But it’s over and my head knows that, but my heart and hands won’t accept that they’ll never feel you again.
It hurts so fucking much.
And I’m really scared that the hurt won’t be followed by something good, but by black emptiness.
music:
Baby, baby
When we first met I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn’t know how to follow
It’s like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart’s dead
I feel so empty and hollowAnd I’ll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to youThe only problem is that you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know that it’s not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you~ rihanna
And Alanis. Always Alanis.
Recent Comments