i’m annoyed

so annoyed with everything. With emotions. With hope, yet again. With boys. It’s come down to being into boys, not men anymore…

But the boys don’t even want me. So who cares?

I’m also annoyed with uni, with planning for the wedding, with trying to lose weight, with work, my sucial life, my financial situation and everything else, basically. gah.

And especially with a certain someone. gah. gah. gah.

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unprodigal daughter

I had disengaged to avoid being totaled
I would run away and say good riddance, soon enough
I had grown disgusted by your small-minded ceiling
Imagine myself bolting had not been difficult

Soon be my life
Soon be my pace
Soon be my choice of which you’ll have no part of

Unprodigal daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

I hit the ground running, although I know not what toward
I hit the town reeling, forgetting all that came before
I felt primed and ready, once surrounded by the pawns
I felt culture shocked, but dissuaded I was not

This is my town
This is my voice
This is my taste of which youve have no part of

Unprodigal daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

One day I’ll saddle back and speak of foreign adventures
One day I’ll double back and tell you about these unfettered years
One day I’ll look back and feel something other than relieved
Glad that I left when I did before, I know you, you can’t get the best of me

When Id speak of artistry you would roll your eyes skyward
When Id speak of spirituality you would label it absurd
When I spoke of possibility you would frown and shake your head
If I had stayed much longer, I’d have surely imploded

These are my words
This is my house
These are my friends of which you’ve had no part of

Unprodigal daughter and I’m heading for the west
Disenchanted daughter and this plane cannot fly fast enough
Unencumbered daughter hit the ground running at last
I’d invite you but I’m busy being unoppressed

I don’t see how you can seriously not know why I don’t come “home”.

I wonder how you can seriously tell me things are falling apart because I’m never visiting when it is the result of things falling apart in the first place.

How can you tell me to “find my way home” so we can talk, when I ask you over and over again to sit down with me and a third person, a mediator, a friend, whatever, you decide, and still you say “we don’t need this” when it is painfully obvious – literally – that we do?

I guess that was that with the mother-daughter-relationship…
“See you someday”, too.

music: Alanis Morrissette – Unprodigal daughter

Und wenn’s weh tut, warum tun wir uns das an?

Keiner will die Konsequenzen tragen und das ist das Dilemma
So wird mit jedem Gespräch unsere Gnadenfrist verlängert
Und immer wieder beteuert das sich jetzt Vieles ändert
Immer wieder neue Versuche die dann im Alten enden
Denn nach der Zeit, sind die Rollen verteilt
Wir wollen die Muster ignorieren, doch sie explodieren bei der Kleinigkeit
Und das ist so ermüdend
Wir haben versucht zueinander zu finden, fanden jedoch nur das wir uns selbst belügen
Warscheinlich haben wir es von Anfang an schon gewusst
Wir sind zu verschieden, dass man für jeden Frieden erstmal kämpfen muss
Wie Paradox ist das?
Wobei doch eigentlich Liebe für mich die Zuflucht sein soll wo ich Waffen fallen lass

Wir habens so oft schon zerredet, so oft vergebens
Versucht die Vergangenheit zu verändern um uns den Weg zu ebnen
Auf dem wir wachsen und leben können zu zweit
Als miteinander vereint, anstatt aneinander vorbei
Doch jeder Einzelne bricht an dem Anderen entzwei
Wir haben Beide das Gefühl in der Partnerschaft nicht wir selbst zu sein
Und wenn es weh tut warum tun wir es uns an?
Und wenn Glück hier drin nicht zu finden ist, wonach suchen wir dann?
Es macht mich krank das ich angeblich der bin, der die Schuld hat
Und gleichzeitig der bin, der die ganzen Lasten schultert
Angeblich der bin, der hier alles kaputt macht
Doch gleichzeitig der, der immer wieder zu dir kommt und alles gut macht
Ich frag mich ständig was ich ändern kann und änder dann
selbst Dinge die mir gut gefallen, einzig um dir zu gefallen
Ich weiß nicht weiter wie ich mich so verbiegen soll
Ich weiß nicht mehr wie ich ehrlich zu mir sein kann und dich lieben soll

Und natürlich seh ich das Schöne und bisher überwog es
Gott weiß ich lieb dich und halt fest egal wie schwer die Kritik ist
Doch auch ich habe begrenzte Kräfte, es gleitet aus meinen Händen

Versuch meine Emotionen noch zu kontrollieren und verdrängen
Ich will Chancen geben, nochmal und nochmal wir haben es verdient
Es wär katastrophal im Streit und Affekt diesen Strich zu ziehen
Ich kann nicht mehr länger kämpfen, ich kann nich mehr länger stehen
Und ich kann nichts mehr für uns tun, wir 2 werden untergehen

Wir haben uns überschätzt
Wir haben gehofft das aus Differenzen noch Liebe wächst
Wir haben befürchtet, dass irgendwann alles kommt wie es muss
Und doch kämpfen wir beide noch bis zum Schluss

music: curse & silbermond – bis zum Schluss

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what I want of this is learn to let go.

I’m disappointed and annoyed and I’m annoyed with the constant annoyance.

I had such a nice day yesterday with Nieske, making music (we almost wrote a song!), hanging out, visiting a small festival (go, check out the Neon Belle, I really liked them!) and such and just one phone call annoyed the hell out of me.

It took the whole L-issue to a whole new level of amazement of how stupid, dishonest and egocentric people can be. And how brazen.
Like, assuming I want to keep in contact with someone like that.

I might be naive for believing in friendship too soon, but I’m not that self-destructive.
And yes, I believed it was a ‘friendship with benefits’, not ‘fucking and lying’.
My bad.

To add to the annoyance, I’m still looking for a new place to live and I just got an e-mail cancelling the fixed reservation we made for the room for our graduation ceremony.
Since we have nothing more official, we, the students, or more specifically a group of 6, has to organize it all and now we kinda have to start from scratch as long as we don’t know where we can celebrate and when and I’m really really pissed at the administration people.

The weather’s crappy, too.
annoyed, annoyed, annoyed.

I feel a lot like robbing a bank and sailing to the Carribean for a couple of weeks. months. years.

music: Damien Rice – Rootless Tree (fuck you)

PS: How do you de-friend people on last.fm?
And… “de-friend” – is that a web 2.0-specific term?

*sighs*

yesterday was one of the more annoying days…

I was a slacker in the morning til I went to see the appartment which was, as expected, pretty, but way too small and too expensive for the size. I have high hopes for Monday…

Anyways, so I realized I didn’t take my key with me. My roomie was working in D and was about to leave for south-germany in the afternoon. So I had the neighbours let me in the house, left my stuff (computer groceries, …) in the hallway and had to go by train to D to get the key and later leave it with friends for him to retrieve tonight as I’ll be gone.

Of course, I didn’t really get anything done afterwards. I was so damn aggrevated, I wish I could put that energy to better use…

Ah well, I’m off to meet Nieske in Utrecht and make music today. Yay, yay, yay!

retreat, retreat…

… i went on a retreat…

But well, first things first, let me recount the week:

Tuesday

Was the last day to study before the alarm.
Unfortunately, after eating a left-over scampi-pizza from Monday, I came down with some sort of food poisoning (I think) which led to 39,4°C fever, calling the doctor at 9.30pm, getting a shot and being entirely unaible to study…

Wednesday – Friday morning

Though the fever had apssed overnight, I was hoping I could re-take the exam at some later date this semester, but was informed it was highly unlikely. If I didn’t take and pass it now, I would have to wait til next year January…
So, I sat down with lots of meds and vitamins and took the exam…

The people I work with in the Psychology Department went on a retreat on Tuesday and I was to follow on Wednesday. When I got the fever, I thought I should stay home, ’specially considering I wanted to ditch the exam.
But after I took it I felt I deserved to get away for a few days, so I rushed home, packed in half an hour and headed off to the train station…

I went with Jenni and after a 2h train ride and 30 minutes in the car, we finally arrived at the leeetle appartment we’d rented for these few days. It was in a remote village in the mountains (well, hills…) because the purpose of the whole retreat was to write our respective thesises without too much distraction.

We did watch the olympics a lot though and had food and games at night. Also, some music was made =)

I didn’t sleep so well at night though, getting back up Wednesday night from 2.30 – 5am and having a very long midnight-talk with my prof thursday night.

Ah well… There’s pictures of the pathetically idyllic landscape below, taken with my spiffy cellphone-camera
Good News, too: I wrote 4 pages of my thesis and I passed the exam.

rest of Friday

I got home to find the roomie had left the place in the same, if not messier and dirtier condition as it was on Wednesday. Also, all food was gone from the fridge.
Worn out and sick to my stomach from the trip home (back seat + mountains + little sleep. = no good) I called him to enquire where the milk went and if he was ever gonna do his share of cleaning.

Apparently, this annoyed him enough to send me an elaborate e-mail about how he’s not responsible for the problems I have with myself (d’oh?), how he doesn’t have to answer to me (he does when it comes to this appartment…), how my reminding and nagging about him doing his duties makes him sick (then just do it…) and some more stuff.

In short: It crushed all my hopes of him actually ever becoming cleanlier, so I’m – again – looking for a new place…

This time, it’ll probably be a small appartment as I don’t have any hopes of finding a room big enough for all my stuff in a shared appartment.
I might get a bigger place to share with someone new, but I can’t think of anyone right now and am not sure I wanna take risks with complete strangers.

Pictures:

This is where we stayed. The house is, of course, behind the tree!

Our backyard. Mind the goat in the bottom-right corner!

TWO rainbows and an actual valley. Awww!

Pathetically idyllic landscape

A hovering fly

A run-over frog. There goes the idyll.

(The frog was where I regretted not taking my dSLR…)

“are you girls all like that?”

Nope.

We don’t all meet a guy and after a few weeks ask him to abandon his former acquaintances, we’re not all jealous like hell and we don’t all act immature and brazen like that.

And I find it insulting that you ask.

music: Damien Rice – Volcano
What I really need is what makes me bleed (She’s still too young)

PS: How do you know it’s better to have known something before you lose it?
Right now, I’m more inclined to thinking it would be better I’d never experienced the things I have – I couldn’t miss them so fiercely then.

PPS: Maybe I’m not cut out for this society. Maybe I should go off to a deserted Island and live with a bunch of free-love-hippies. Yay.

PPPS: Are Hippies into SM?

A broken promise

it’s amazing how in years, even though one is disappointed time and time again, one does not learn to solely rely on oneself.
Instead, one allows oneself to descend into dependency further and further and amazingly enough, it doesn’t even end when the years of togetherness have ended.

music: placebo – a broken promise
you are not honest.