To live to tell it
so annoyed with everything. With emotions. With hope, yet again. With boys. It’s come down to being into boys, not men anymore…
But the boys don’t even want me. So who cares?
I’m also annoyed with uni, with planning for the wedding, with trying to lose weight, with work, my sucial life, my financial situation and everything else, basically. gah.
And especially with a certain someone. gah. gah. gah.
Interesting yet biased article about how vaganism provides anorexic girls with stability, but also tools to hide the true nature of their eating disorder. It’s in German, sorry everyone who doesn’t understand.
I sometimes wonder if I’m in this cycle of worrying about what I eat too much – and then not going through with it.
http://no-racism.net/article/2975
Hope should die.
Why, you might ask. Hope gets you through the day, it keeps you alive and kicking and breathing, you say.
But I say hope breaks you down. It keeps you going until the very last minute, and you feel like everything should be fine. Soon.
’cause there’s still hope, right?
No.
Hope might be the last thing to go, but it will – eventually.
It sneaks away, leaves you behind, and for a moment, you’re lost. You will be shocked, at first, confused. You can’t believe that hope left you. And then you sit back and take a breath and realize… you are alone.
Awful, isn’t it?
And so I say hope must die. If there is no hope, we need not worry it will leave us. We can live our life unperturbed by the rushes of excitement that surge through us when we think of something that … gives up hope.
Because there is no hope. And everything nice that happens will come as a pleasant surprise. When you least expect it. No more searching.
So I declare, hope shall die.
As I have a thousand times before. I suck at this … 
music: Skunk Anansie – Weak
Now I sit here I’m love’s last home
I’m all of the soft words I once owned.
And if I opened my heart there’d be no space for air…
Now, officially. I went to see her one last time on Wednesday. I wanted to go today but felt I was too tired for the drive. Now I feel weird…
I wonder if I should be sadder, if it’s the meds or just the knowledge that she’s better off this way.
Goodbye.
I started a new project for those of you living in the area who are interested in watching movies in their original language (OV), with subtitles (OmU) if applicable:
Enjoy!
So, i wanted to sit down today and blog.
About how I haven’t blogged in more than a month because I mostly come here to vent and I’ve been doing good.
How the meds have taken effect and the holes have become much shallower. How I’ve been dating and living life to the fullest in that area – and liking it.
How my semester didn’t turn out as stressful as I feared, how I like my friends, met new ones and have been going out on the weekends.
How I’ve finally gotten over my relationship, in most and in the important aspects and how I’ve started therapy.
Well, today didn’t start so great though.
I forgot a team meeting, I got into a thunder- and hailstorm (in July!), shitty stuff is happening in my appartment.
The ex threw a birthday party and hugging him without going any further (obviously) feels peculiar. Maybe it’s like a faint trace of homesickness, though I’ve never really been homesick. Then I come home early to get some work done and find an e-mail from my dad that my grandmother’s on the verge of dying. That threw me off balance. Can’t sleep, either.
Not such a good day after all.
I took pills and now I’m all peachy…
No, seriously. I was so ambivalent about taking them again, even lying around here already…
So I took one on Thursday, felt giddy all day and was just glad that I had herbal downers. Then I didn’t take one in Friday which made me feel not better but gave me a serious headache with nausea to go along. I started again on Saturday and I think I’m okay now on 10mg, so I might try the 20mg tomorrow or Friday… Just hope it helps… *sighs*
So, I actually went to the movies, twince in one week, I think.
We went and saw Star Trek in the un-dubbed version. Which took the theatre a while to figure out, we missed Ayel’s actual threat in the beginning because the sound was off for a while and it switched between German and English for a bit. Annoying.
The movie was okay. It’s hard to believe it’s still Star Trek and (okay, Spoilers here…) I guess they got around it pretty well by introducing the alternate universe, but… ach, I don’t know. I liked Spock and how they portrayed him, even though he was sort of Emo, I admit (but hey, it was Zach ) and Kirk was his cowboy-self, but hey. Uhura and Spock?? Come on…!!
Weirdness, seriously…
Wolverine was an okay-movie. Again, not very much like the X-Men-movies before, but a nice flick. Still, it felt very inappropriately cut, as if important pieces had been left out. And me noticing – that’s really saying something…
One of us, at least, has to be happy, so the break up was worth something. I mean, we probably could have been semi-happy for a long time, so something better has to come.
The doctor actually put me on prescription meds again. I asked him to and then I couldn’t bring myself to take it.
Finally, on Thursday, I took 10mg and it felt so weird. I was so awake, but couldn’t concentrate, I was so giddyand irritated… So I didn’t take it on Friday and I had a weird headache all day long. A friend of mine celebrated his birthday with a barbecue and I made strawberry cake (which I should do more often), and we had caipirinhas later, and I couldn’t even drink. A friend took me home early and I slumped right into bed. So, here I am, no pill today, either, no concentration, no giddiness, just plan slacking around.
I promise I’ll start the meds tomorrow…
I need to get better.
Stell dir vor,du wachst morgens auf
es geht dir so gut,dass dir keiner glaubt
in einem neuen Leben,wo alles möglich ist
wo du endlich bist, wie du wirklich bistWut und Hunger sind plötzlich gestillt
alles fügt sich in ein perfektes Bild
Es ist so gut,und du willst mehr
mehr als möglich und noch mehrEs ist so gut,und du willst mehr
mehr als möglich und noch mehrStell dir vor,du stehst über den Dingen
du bist durch nichts aus der Ruhe zu bringen,
das es so einfach ist,kaum zu glauben
du bist wie ausgetauscht,hast leuchtende AugenEs knistert in der Luft
es prickelt im Kopf
dir ist egal was war
und was kommtEs ist so gut,und du willst mehr
mehr als möglich und noch mehr
Es ist so gut,und du willst mehr
mehr als möglich und noch mehrDu willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr
Stell dir vor,du hast das einmal erlebt
dann ist es umso schlimmer,wenn es nicht mehr geht
und alles fällt
wie bunte Blätter im Herbst
alles wird trist,
und leuchtet nicht mehrund leuchtet nicht mehr.
music: Silvester – du willst mehr
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