I started a new project for those of you living in the area who are interested in watching movies in their original language (OV), with subtitles (OmU) if applicable:
Enjoy!
So, i wanted to sit down today and blog.
About how I haven’t blogged in more than a month because I mostly come here to vent and I’ve been doing good.
How the meds have taken effect and the holes have become much shallower. How I’ve been dating and living life to the fullest in that area – and liking it.
How my semester didn’t turn out as stressful as I feared, how I like my friends, met new ones and have been going out on the weekends.
How I’ve finally gotten over my relationship, in most and in the important aspects and how I’ve started therapy.
Well, today didn’t start so great though.
I forgot a team meeting, I got into a thunder- and hailstorm (in July!), shitty stuff is happening in my appartment.
The ex threw a birthday party and hugging him without going any further (obviously) feels peculiar. Maybe it’s like a faint trace of homesickness, though I’ve never really been homesick. Then I come home early to get some work done and find an e-mail from my dad that my grandmother’s on the verge of dying. That threw me off balance. Can’t sleep, either.
Not such a good day after all.
I took pills and now I’m all peachy…
No, seriously. I was so ambivalent about taking them again, even lying around here already…
So I took one on Thursday, felt giddy all day and was just glad that I had herbal downers. Then I didn’t take one in Friday which made me feel not better but gave me a serious headache with nausea to go along. I started again on Saturday and I think I’m okay now on 10mg, so I might try the 20mg tomorrow or Friday… Just hope it helps… *sighs*
So, I actually went to the movies, twince in one week, I think.
We went and saw Star Trek in the un-dubbed version. Which took the theatre a while to figure out, we missed Ayel’s actual threat in the beginning because the sound was off for a while and it switched between German and English for a bit. Annoying.
The movie was okay. It’s hard to believe it’s still Star Trek and (okay, Spoilers here…) I guess they got around it pretty well by introducing the alternate universe, but… ach, I don’t know. I liked Spock and how they portrayed him, even though he was sort of Emo, I admit (but hey, it was Zach 
) and Kirk was his cowboy-self, but hey. Uhura and Spock?? Come on…!!
Weirdness, seriously…
Wolverine was an okay-movie. Again, not very much like the X-Men-movies before, but a nice flick. Still, it felt very inappropriately cut, as if important pieces had been left out. And me noticing – that’s really saying something…
One of us, at least, has to be happy, so the break up was worth something. I mean, we probably could have been semi-happy for a long time, so something better has to come.
The doctor actually put me on prescription meds again. I asked him to and then I couldn’t bring myself to take it.
Finally, on Thursday, I took 10mg and it felt so weird. I was so awake, but couldn’t concentrate, I was so giddyand irritated… So I didn’t take it on Friday and I had a weird headache all day long. A friend of mine celebrated his birthday with a barbecue and I made strawberry cake (which I should do more often), and we had caipirinhas later, and I couldn’t even drink. A friend took me home early and I slumped right into bed. So, here I am, no pill today, either, no concentration, no giddiness, just plan slacking around.
I promise I’ll start the meds tomorrow…
I need to get better.
Stell dir vor,du wachst morgens auf
es geht dir so gut,dass dir keiner glaubt
in einem neuen Leben,wo alles möglich ist
wo du endlich bist, wie du wirklich bistWut und Hunger sind plötzlich gestillt
alles fügt sich in ein perfektes Bild
Es ist so gut,und du willst mehr
mehr als möglich und noch mehrEs ist so gut,und du willst mehr
mehr als möglich und noch mehrStell dir vor,du stehst über den Dingen
du bist durch nichts aus der Ruhe zu bringen,
das es so einfach ist,kaum zu glauben
du bist wie ausgetauscht,hast leuchtende AugenEs knistert in der Luft
es prickelt im Kopf
dir ist egal was war
und was kommtEs ist so gut,und du willst mehr
mehr als möglich und noch mehr
Es ist so gut,und du willst mehr
mehr als möglich und noch mehrDu willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr du willst mehr Du willst mehr
Stell dir vor,du hast das einmal erlebt
dann ist es umso schlimmer,wenn es nicht mehr geht
und alles fällt
wie bunte Blätter im Herbst
alles wird trist,
und leuchtet nicht mehrund leuchtet nicht mehr.
music: Silvester – du willst mehr
I feel like I frequently need to remind myself, that I’m still here. It feels as if I was in a little shell, buried deep within my body, which makes it hard, on the one hand to get through, to get my body to do the things I want and to connect with the part of my brain that actually thinks. I just exist and it takes tremendous effort to consciously do the things I’m supposed to, like call people, do my assignments, clean up the kitchen.
A while ago, I was saying something in class, but my voice sounded so distant and alien that I almost asked wether my voice sounded funny. The outer part of me just kept talking, though, leaving the inside wondering.
I was prescribed anti-depressants again, the St. John’s Wort didn’t do a thing. I’m still not sure wether I should take them, though.
Indecisiveness, by the way, is a common symptom of depressions…
music: Placebo – Meds
Halt mich, nur ein bisschen – bis ich schlafen kann
I want to feel safe.
That’s basically what’s on my mind all day. Not necessarily consciously, but that’s the underlying thought that makes me go run and hide, that makes me go out and try to find someone, that makes me sit here and type. Just. Everything.
It’s not the need to fuck or the will to succeed or the wish to impress.
It’s just very basic and very hard to come by, apparently.
Does being safe cover feeling insecure? Or do you need to feel secure(d) for that, too?
I don’t know.
Is it the same as love or be loved?
I don’t know that either.
music: Kittie – Severed
I’m not sure if I hold grudges or hold my ground.
See, with H., there’s no grudge. I know that.
There is regret that we didn’t make it. And regret that we didn’t figure it out sooner, or didn’t admit to it.
But no grudge and no anger. Maybe it would be easier if there was, but there isn’t and it’s probably for the better in the long run.
It’s a little like someone died. It’s nobody’s fault, really, but you’re still upset about being left behind.
With L., I don’t think there’s a real grudge either.
We’re not friends any longer, but he apologized and I can accept an apology.
You know how you sometimes wonder if you will really act the way you think you would?
I do at times. I was told I couldn’t have sex without being in love and I can. I thought that if I get in an accident, I would act sensibly and I did, at least once, I hope that will remain the only time. I always hoped I wouldn’t be resentful and I haven’t been.
With my mother… I don’t know. Things are different with family, I guess.
Although I counted H. as family. I guess.
Still. Different.
I couldn’t reach the therapist and I’m afraid I’m falling apart and losing my game and I’m not being as good as I can be. Maybe I should try the whole Paradox Intervention thing. Be really awful for a while. Ha ha.
I can’t reach my doctor who didn’t want to give me real anti-depressants, but St. John’s Wort. Which doesn’t help at all. Really.
Yeah, so…
I started off my birthday going to bed crying sometime around 1am. And then I got up again because I couldn’t stop the whole damn crying. It’s getting really annoying…
So I went to bed again at 4 and had class at ten. Fun, right? I overslept, too.
I kinda sorta made it through 4 hours of business 101 (boring.) and fell asleep in the middle of it, then went out to eat before the actual break and then everyone left and I left with them and they presented me with stuff. A baking mold for a dream guy and a voucher for a thai massage. YAY.
That was a good present. The other I got prematurely in the form of my external hard-drive filled with 120GB of procrastination, aka a lot of TV series to occupy me.
Then along came a really unexpected one in the form of an e-mail with an actual Apology from L.
Wow.
My parents called, too, with my grandma. She congratulated me and I was trying hard. Everything’s gotta look normal, right?
She handed the phone tomy mother who tried to do small talk and it just doesn’t work. It just does not.
It’s not that hard to understand, when I start crying the minute we start talking, is it?
My dad wrote me an e-mail later that he hates to have me crying and that he wishes we would both give in a little bit.
The thing is… I know I’m right and she’s just scared.
I’m scared, too, but I’m also right…
I tried to avoid all the other calls and hugs and questions, because I’m really not in the mood to celebrate. At least not to celebrate my life and my “day of honor” or whatever… Might go out tomorrow to dance and drink though and have a date before.
Might have to clean up the appartment
Life still hurts a lot.
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